Friday, September 28, 2012

The Postman always rings twice unless he is from Loomis and can't find the bell

Here is my conversations with Loomis while trying to get pick up from my home:


Part One: The call center

Loomis: Do you have a waybill number?
Me: (giving her the number on the post it note left on my door.)
Loomis: M'am that is is not a waybill for delivery. That number is just to let you know we missed you.
Me: Why do I need a number for that?
Loomis: I have no record of a missed delivery for Quicker. Can you verify where Quicker is?
Me: It's Quebec
Loomis: How do you spell that. I don't think we deliver overseas.
Me: It's Canada.
Loomis: Thank you Ma'am. What does the parcel weigh?
Me: Less than 7 kilograms.
Loomis: What is a kilogram? Can you tell me the dimensions of the box?
Me: It's slighter bigger than a breadbox.
Loomis: What's a breadbox? Would you like insurance on that?
Me: It's being sent back to Microsoft and covered under their account.
Loomis: Do you have an authorization letter and phone number for us to send it back to the company.
Me: No but I have a waybill with their account number stamped on it.
Loomis: Do you have a letter authorizing you to be in possession of the waybill?
Me: Microsoft GAVE me the waybill with the computer so I guess I have authorization.
Loomis: Is this a valuable item?
Me: Ah yes, it's a laptop computer being returned. It needs to be insured.
Loomis: I can't authorize insurance on it unless I have a signed letter from the accounting department.
Me: Fine. Just pick up the package.
Loomis: Can you leave it on the curb for pick-up?
Me: Sure. Just let me stand out in the rain and put a STEAL ME sign on the box.
Loomis: Thank you. Is there anything else I can do for you today?


Loomis: Delivery Part Two

Door bill rings
Me: Hello, Shut up barking dogs.
Loomis delivery: I have waybills for you.
Me: They are blank. Why would I need blank waybills?
Loomis delivery: For your new account.
Me: What new account? (hand him the box.)
Loomis delivery: Is this for delivery?
Me: Ah, yes. That's why I called you.
Loomis delivery: I have to check to see if delivery has been scheduled. I'm on drop off.
Me: Isn't that the same thing?
Loomis delivery: Do you want to complete this waybill.
Me: No there's one completed and attached on the box.
Loomis delivery:  (pulling out Loomis black box to check)  I guess I can take it. Was this supposed to be a curbside pick up?

Epilogue:
We are all doomed when it comes to call centers anyway. Siemens has developed a software to determine callers age and gender. A Japanese company called Digital Technologies is developing software that will re-route angry callers after determining how the person is feeling on the line. Do you think they will be able to detect sarcasm? Big Brother lives.