Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Mitt -- save my daughter and marry me!

Dear Mitt,
I'm wondering if you will marry me to prevent my daughter from taking up a gun.

I'm so happy you explained to me why I'm addicted to crystal-meth, living in a truck, missing all my teeth, hooking on the side and hitching a ride to say goodbye to my daughter who is on her way to prison for shooting all those kids at the mall.

Oh wait!

That's actually not my situation at all. What happened? Where did I go wrong. I own a home and my own business. My daughter just graduated from college and is working on her acting career while she holds down a full time job. She just celebrated her 23 birthday surrounded by friends and family. She's a happy young woman who is kind, hard working, loving and fun.

We have a good relationship. Her father left when she was a little girl and she does miss having a Dad.  He's in recovery now after a 20-year addiction to drugs that left him with a criminal record and time living on the street. I guess I should have stayed with him so my daughter and I could have joined him and his crack friends at their parties. Maybe I should have done drugs with him to keep the marriage alive so my daughter wouldn't grow up to be a psycho-carrying-gun-touting-hoochie-mama-with-no-morals.

She's still young and you never know what is around the corner. I still fear for her. You look like a kind man. Since I don't want this time-bomb for my daughter to go off and I'm still single after all these years, will you consider marrying me? I believe your religion allows for this. I'm willing to convert and I don't mind being wife #2 or even #3. I'll do anything to save my daughter from her life of crime and stop her from going to prison. Maybe with your guidance we can get her back on track and stop her from stepping into this life of yet-to-be-realized crime.

I'll start working on my dress.



  1. LMAO!! Wait....Shelagh, you're a goddamn CANADIAN. There's no way he'll marry you.

  2. This is just too good. Aside from being a Canadian, he won't marry you because you're probably not in his binder.

  3. Can't we have Henry Rollins as a write in?

  4. I don't know about that, JC - he keeps citing Canada & Mexico as either how the US should be or shouldn't be and that "North America" should all be combined. At least that's my take away with the number of times he mentions how Canada is able to thrive by doing this (one) thing and how Mexico fails because they do this (other) thing. But at the same time how Canada fails because they do this (other) thing but Mexico prevails due to yet another thing. All while leaving out how to make it all work for the US....outside of how we should all subscribe to his morals & religious faith, but only where it, forget it, I'm confused again by the circles he talks around about his 5 points, without making a single one of them.

    I'm re-married now, myself, so I'm just wondering when he's going to increase my husband's paycheck and freeze the prices of goods, so that my husband, who works 50-70hours a week, can bring home enough pay to keep our children from being delinquents of society.

  5. OMG Shelagh, you crack me up!!!!!! Did you check his binder? I hear it's full of women :D
    BTW, why do I have to select a profile to publish? V:)