Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A sloppy letter to Karl Lagerfeld

Dear Karl,
Thanks for letting me know I have been engaging in electronic masturbation. You know I agree with you about those selfies not being the most flattering. What's the point of trying to communicate with people if you don't look fabulous?

I'm afraid that while raising a child, creating a business and paying the bills, I left myself slide into the sloppy zone -- just what you warned about. It's my own fault that I let my fabulousness falter.

And now, with all these bulges and bad skin (see attached selfie), I can't even redeem myself by squeezing into your Fily Faux Leather-Paneled Tweed Mini Skirt ($466.00 USD, Tax Included--whew!).  It's my own fault really, you know, for letting age creep up on me. 

I know I am fashion failure. I no longer fit into the Black goat skin and shearling-blend Fini shift dress ($1,130 CAD) for a night out at the bowling alley nor can I slide into your Bikey Biker two-tone leather skinny pants ($1,060 CAD) to head out to the grocery store.

Do you think I could still get away with wearing your coated canvas sneakers featuring your iconic silhouette ($485.07 CAD, Tax & Import Duty Included-yeah!). Would you be upset if I used your Suede and snake-effect leather tote ($595 UDS) to do my shopping at Costco?

I'm glad to hear that you think "Life isn't a beauty contest. Intelligence lasts, youth and beauty are seasonal." Does that mean you will be sending me a bottle of your new perfume for my cellulite season? I can send you a selfie of me spraying myself with it --just the good bits though.

Yours truly,
Sloppy Shelagh