Monday, August 4, 2014

My garden explained to my neighbour

Dear anal-retentive neighbour:
What I have growing in my garden are called f-l-o-w-e-r-s. I know you don’t have any on your lawn so are probably not familiar with their purpose in the world. Experts have determined that flowers are not weeds but some weeds are flowers. I know confusing. Maybe the next time you call the city inspector to complain about my dangerous and unsightly garden, he can explain to you what purpose f-l-o-w-e-r-s serve in a garden. He probably can't be trusted since he did thank me for planting f-l-o-w-e-r-s that help the bees. Who wants those pesky pests in our gardens!

I’m sorry my lawn doesn’t look like perfect green concrete. I decided not to use poisonous sprays so the frogs, bird, bees, dogs, cats, kids and other small creatures could live. I know – it’s easier to keep your lawn neat when they are all dead. I appreciate that you have the time to trim your lawn with nail scissors and measure the circumference of each tree growing in your yard. Tree sculpting is a true art. I just like my trees a bit more natural and only have nail clippers at my house that I use on my days off. I won’t even discuss how I throw my nail clippings into my compost bin.


Is it too late for some live and let live? I’ve never complained about your boring lawn taking up space in my front window. I’ve never turned the authorities onto you while listening to your little dog bark over and over and over until he pukes. His stamina is amazing – you think three times a day would be enough to tucker the little guy out. It’s like he’s channelling the energizer bunny ‘cause he just keeps going and going and going. Maybe he just needs to get outside from your fenced backyard and take a dump without someone screaming at him about ruining the lawn and then spraying Lysol at him. Ah never mind – it's just another one of my whacko suggestions!


I know from your side of the street my dogs look out of control when they lie sleeping on my bumpy lawn or roll around in the clover. It’s just that they are trained to never set foot on your grass. (You’re welcome.) My cat sleeping in the hydrangea bush is also suspect. You never know when he may leap up and tear out your eye – if he can get up that high. I also apologize for those damn birds as well. I think one of their feathers may have blown onto your yard.

I’ll try to encourage the geraniums and peony bush to grow higher in order to cover up the weathered barrel I use to collect rainwater. I know – the more civilized solution is to just use the local water supply even when there is a neighbourhood alert. Maybe you could suggest a toxic chemical to put on my flowers make them grow higher?? Actually, it’s probably easier to just rip every living thing out of my yard so I only have to water the grass. Can you recommend an air conditioning company? Once the house is no longer shaded by those messy trees I’ll need a unit. I like the sound yours makes – it’s like having my own local factory right outside my bedroom. Hey – I hadn’t thought of this before – once I have to keep all my doors and windows shut for my air conditioning I won’t hear yours. I can listen to my own!!!!

One of these days I will get around to watering my driveway in the noonday heat. It’s such a challenge to control the dirt on your driveway. It’s like it’s outside or something crazy like that. I’ve started a savings fund to have someone come and pour more hot tar on the driveway so it can become smoother and blacker to absorb more summertime heat. Maybe that will keep those pesky butterfly attracting flowers from growing alongside my house.

Why can’t Mother Nature just get her act together and be a bit neater?? Maybe you can teach her a thing or two about how to keep anything from growing.

Yours truly,
Your “damn hippie” neighbour

p.s.: I won’t mind if you nip across to grab a few leaves of the Swiss Chard or Kale growing on my front yard. I hear both help chronic inflammation of the asshole and brain impairment.

p.p.s. I saw one of the other neighbourhood dogs pee on your lawn. That uncaring bitch didn’t even clean it up! I’ll send her over a can of Lysol tomorrow so she can disinfect your lawn like your wife does. (You’re welcome!) I’ll may be able to convince her start using it to also clean our garbage bins supplied by the city. I hear the Ebola plague has reached North America!!!!